September 21st
for the love of crying
*all talk of my medication journey is personal experience. I am not recommending anyone do the same without weighing for yourself the potential outcomes.*
I went off of an anti-depressant I was prescribed as a freshman in college seven years ago. I have learned a lot about myself in the process of weaning off, including some withdrawal symptoms that have felt impossible to manage at times (mainly, these awful headaches).
My favorite thing I have regained so far is my ability to cry easily. For the first couple years on this medication, I still had this ability within myself, but for the last few years I have often wanted to cry and haven’t been able to. I missed crying. I love crying. I love crying in the sense that you can love any emotional process that aids in your healing. The reason why I’m crying might temporarily suck, but the gift that tears bring me in their healing is divine.
This morning, I cried watching a video of a woman seeing her favorite fossil. She had researched this well-known fossil and when she finally saw it in a museum, she began crying. I started crying. Then I kept watching and cried more thinking, “The earth has so many gifts for us!!” I began chuckling at myself crying with a stranger over a dinosaur. The shared connection is not lost on me, though. The beauty and strangeness of the internet.
I have had some memories resurface of my eyes welling with tears in college when I saw a beautiful prehistoric piece of art in art history, or breaking down at the Art Institute of Chicago in the Japanese ceramic exhibit. How tender I was to it all. How overwhelming it is sometimes. It is all still in me, and it never really left, I just needed some time to focus on survival before I could return to this most vulnerable self.
My high school senior quote in my yearbook was, “Live to the point of tears” -Albert Camus. I remember my high school boyfriend saying, “why would anyone want to do that? You’d be crying all the time.” Maybe he was right in a way… I do cry a lot. To some, it could be even a waste of time. But through all the horrible and beautiful and brutal changes that have happened to me since then, I’m still with Camus at heart. I’m living life to the point of tears.
Back to our regularly scheduled art updates…
What I’ve been up to
I had my show at Crystal’s Zen and Juice celebrating my figurative art. It was an intimate, sweet time. It felt like who needed to be there was there - numbers did not cross my mind that night. Mostly, I wanted my dear friend/mentor Keith to be there because he has greatly encouraged my explorations with nudity in art and deeply understands the artist soul.
I set up my gallery show at Bethel University in Mackenzie, TN with the help of my friend/ stained glass partner, Jacob. He has helped me set up and take down so many times by now, we have a nice system and did it quickly and smoothly. My gallery talk will be next week and I am working through layers of imposter syndrome. I will be speaking to college students as an art school college drop out. I am still unlearning and re learning society’s expectations of me/artists and sifting through them to find what I truly desire at my core.
I had the honor of completing another live wedding painting. That experience will be what I write about for my paid subscriber email this month, but it was nothing short of magical!! If you or anyone you know is interested in a live painting experience, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.
Finally got to make time for spinning this month. Between stained glass, painting, MY OTHER DAY JOBS haha, and more it hasn’t gotten to be priority in awhile. I still feel connected to the process and deeply love it even if I don’t always have the space for it. The winter should be perfect for spinning though and I’m looking forward to the cold days.
MY LATEST PAINTING! I dug out a lot of pigments for this one. I bought saffron with a friend who has lived out of country for the last few years and we went to a few different international markets. We used to have saffron in rice and other dishes with our Iranian friends in Turkey, and as an art material, it symbolizes to me having multiple homes within the world. I also used some dirt from Jackson and a pigment I had bought in Alabama years ago I use sparingly.
I combined my quilting and painting and create the substrate and am very pleased how the composition speaks to itself: the lines of patchwork and the circles of paint.
Coming Up!!
Come to my gallery talk if you so wish!!
I will be in a three-person show in October at the NED in Jackson, TN. We have all been so busy there is not a poster yet, but the reception is October 1st from 5-7 PM. I’d love to see you there!!
UPCOMING RESIDENCY: In January, I will get to take off two whole weeks to be at Azule Residency in North Carolina. Since I’ve been working more hours between my day jobs, I am thrilled to have this self devoted time to creating. I just bought a huge roll of canvas, new paints, and am planning on bringing my spinning wheel to spin in the mountains!!
september Muses
feathers- always, feathers
this breathtaking Turkish film “About Dry Grasses”
some nearby cemetery walks. I find it fascinating how much you can gather from someone based on what family and friends leave by the grave. I particularly was struck by how many had favorite food or drinks next to them.
I too love crying. It is therapy. And a gift. Also a gift to have medication when needed, but I am glad you are able to cry again.