January 23rd

no dot is the same

I fulfilled my dream of spending New Year’s Eve alone!

I love New Year celebrations, reflections, resolutions, revolutions, etc. It’s partly the sentimental nature in me that likes scrolling through photos from the past year, marking where all I’ve been, who I’ve met, new ways I’ve loved myself, a new cat!! Another part is that it feels like a day/week where the rest of the world is reflecting alongside me and my mind that never really stop moving. I do not tire seeing everyone else’s updates and lessons learned and new goals or traditions. I find the humanity to be so tangible.

I love that we agree to stand in a room and all scream at the same time. What a gift to be human and alive!

This year though: I was happily alone. I had just arrived to Azule, an artist residency in Hot Springs, NC. (and yes I would highly recommend this place to an artist at any stage of their career! reach out if you have any questions!)

I packed my paints I had ordered months ago in preparation for this two week stay. They neatly fit into a wooden suitcase from a retired art professor named Patrick, who I love to attend the local plays with. I had helped him move and in exchange was gifted some art supplies that I treasure deeply.

I had packed some pigments a friend gave me for Christmas, my new book of poetry by June Jordan my sister got for me, my neatly packaged Midori notebook to start January 1st. I arrived that afternoon and immediately set up the quilt I had finished before coming.

I had a vision of dots months ago… I can’t quite explain right now what they “ mean” or what I want others to feel from them, but they feel so important to me. I find my process normally begins with an obsession that exists beyond reason or words, and I find the meaning or discover it the more I paint.

Over time, I’m hoping these dots will reveal themselves to me. At the moment, they have taught me to slow down and savor every. single. motion. The swirl of my wrist, the grip of my fingers on the brush, each one like a breath. *breathe in, dip my brush, breathe out, touch the brush to the canvas, breathe in, swirl the red paint, breathe out, remove my brush to reveal the one of a kind dot that will never be made exactly the same again.

It was a little ambitious to paint until midnight, and I went to bed at 11. I was so close to midnight but had driven eight hours that day and hadn’t stopped to rest after being so excited to get there. I fell asleep with a heavy head, full of ideas, and a tired heart.

The next two weeks were filled with many dots. The first night had laid a foundation for the rest of my time. I brought some old paintings I had shot with a rifle in a performance earlier in 2024, and incorporated the bullet holes as “dots”. I created new paintings too.

Loneliness found me most days there. It was remote and I had prepared for that but was still hit with the whiplash of my every day life being filled with hundreds of little interactions with regulars / strangers to interacting with the same two people (who I had just met!). Some friends had written me letters to open over the course of my time and those helped guide me through some pretty intense waves of loneliness. So did painting, of course.

I had prepared for ZERO phone service but had great service! I was also grateful for that. One of my “ins” for 2025 is VOICE MEMOS. My new favorite form of communicating. I love receiving my friend’s memos that range from a minute long, to five minutes, to ten, and lately I received a thirty minute one. I listen while walking, doing dishes, cleaning, or laying in my bed. It helps me feel close to them.

The little fire pit is from my therapist’s sand tray. My last session before leaving I asked to hold it. I had just painted my nails outside the office since I arrived early and was taking two weeks off and I can’t paint my nails at my workplace! Yay for red! The flame reminds me my anger is holy and sacred. My passion is sacred.

The middle painting is one of the only non-dot paintings I finished at my residency. It has no name but I felt quite delighted with it. Halfway through my time there, we got lots of snow. The founder of Azule said with her thick French accent, “look Abby! Lots of dots!”

I’m hoping to have a show with mostly dot paintings in 2025. I don’t have all of the details nailed down but have an idea for one in the May-June season, so keep your eyes open. I decided today to take a break from Instagram and Facebook at least until the end of February.

Coming back into town has been good BUT also disorienting. I struggle with transitions and am needing to ground myself. I think taking a step away from posting and sharing will help for a little bit. I will still be writing on here, and appreciate every single one of you for reading / caring!

I’m keeping my GoFundMe up for a few more weeks if anyone feels led to donate and contribute to helping me pay for the residency I attended. THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO HAS ALREADY CONTRIBUTED OR SHARED OR SUPPORTED IN OTHERS WAYS! If you did contribute and want a “thank you” painting and haven’t received a message from me, please let me know! I may have missed you in the movement of everything and that is not my intention.

GOFUNDME is here!!!

happy January !!