February 21st

"if I was wrong, I was wrong in sincerity"

I HAVE MOVED (from my apartment to my friend’s house; still in Jackson)

This picture was snapped on the main moving day by my friend Hannah Gore. Thank you to her continuous love and care not only for me, but in the process of documentation as an artist.

I have taken a break from social media this month. My mind and body have been at capacity for awhile, and I think my failure to admit that and course correct has resulted in a pretty full blown burn-out. I’m not sure how related it is to my most recent residency where all I did was paint for two weeks, but since my return (it’s been a month now) the thought of painting and creating sounds so draining.

I was crying in my therapist’s office about feeling disconnected from myself because the most “me” I feel is when I’m painting. But where I’m at right now, the thought of painting causes me to spiral. Depression, anxiety, and burn out are all taking turns. I threw up every day for two weeks and thankfully that symptom has subsided and my appetite has returned. I now eat whatever the hell I want because my body refused to eat for about two weeks.

In the midst of all of that, I decided to move in with some friends. I had thought while I was gone that I may not want to live alone anymore. The move has confirmed to me that this was the best decision for me right now. Although my creative juices are not flowing, and my body / mind are demanding to rest, I can feel myself being stitched back together. I am trusting that this is part of the creative process. I have reframed my healing as my own creative practice.

Not only do I get to paint or sculpt or write, but my own being and healing can also be an art.

Friends came together to help me pack up my sweet green-floored apartment. Some had helped leading up to the big move day with an hour here, an hour there, slowly chipping away at all the art and ceramics and books I have accumulated.

We split a pizza on the porch after mopping and wiping every surface. We headed over in a caravan of sorts and unloaded. My body is still recovering and my emotions still raw from moving but I am so grateful for my community and the people that have been willing to help me and see me through.

Even though the idea of painting on a large scale or at all has felt overwhelming, I have tried to paint for the sake of familiarity and comfort and to see if I have any revelations. The picture above is of my small sketchbook. The first painting I had done in a couple weeks.

I have never felt what I’m feeling now to this extent. I have had depressive seasons which are TOUGH but I’ve always managed to be “high functioning”. Whatever is happening now is demanding most or all of my energy. I’m trying to stay fed, go on small walks, cry when I need to, stay showered and clean, and lean into what I need day to day. I have managed to get a few shifts covered at work if I’m having a particularly rough day. I’m glad to have a job with supportive coworkers … I also work with a lot of huggers so my hug tank gets to be filled :)

I managed to start making more dots. All on a smaller scale, but just needing to make a mark on paper. Without social media right now, I’m working on the power of witnessing myself. I do have a couple friends who I send photos to. Not to critique or give feedback, but because I think artists need to be seen. We all need to be seen.

There is power in community and letting others see us in all of our states. I am letting people see me in the midst of feeling deeply disconnected and unfamiliar territory. I did paint on a large canvas yesterday for the first time. I decided to set a timer for an hour and push through. Before starting, I was staring at some tubes of paint and began to cry.

I let myself cry. I wondered if I needed to push myself to paint or if I should not. I stood there, torn. I decided to stay and try and if I hated it twenty minutes in, I could leave.

I did end up painting for an hour and then stopped. Washed my brushes and took a picture, completely unsure of the direction.

I am still in the thick of burnout / whatever else is going on. I am hoping to continue finding the delicate balance of pushing myself when I need to be pushed and resting when I need to rest. I’ve been leaning more on the rest side. Staying in bed longer, getting more sleep, fueling my body with food now that I can stomach it, and watching some comfort shows.

I’ll leave you with this quote I have been coming back to.

Until next month…