february 21st
crying in public
this month has been pretty emotionally exhausting.
i’ve had many life changes that feel like “forever” ago but aren’t. my adjustment process to living alone, moving back into town, starting a new job, my best friend moving away, an unconventional heart break…
with the months of cold weather slightly behind us (here in tennessee it’s fluctuating from cold and windy days to sixty degrees) much of what i have been reflecting on feels like it’s now showing up in my body.
my therapist made me angry the other day by asking me to confront some very difficult parts of myself. i’d like to think that i had done that already but this will be a new level of hard - parts of me that carry deep, deep shame and bring up decades worth of grief. i cried in the target while picking up my prescription and bought a small yellow purse. i cried on the way to my friend’s house and then had a long, crying hug.
i got home and danced to “crying in public” and then “funkytown” - what a range. it felt freeing to move my body after the anger had subsided into grief which was the root of my anger.
i am thankful for friends who do not give up on me during my periods of isolation, or sometimes just needing more alone time. i am thankful for my people that pick up my calls or answer my texts about having ANOTHER bad day. of course, no day is all bad. but my mind likes to trick me.
studio time
with all of my feelings leading to wanting more alone time, i spent much of it painting and obsessively crocheting / reading / binging youtube videos about modern japanese painting or religious cults. My range of interests is broad, and I wish I had time to learn them all!
I’ve also been napping a lot and sleeping more than I think I should. Not in a guilt way, but in a mentally healthy way… I believe I’m sleeping too long. When I’m in the studio, I’m tired or in pain. I am trying to listen to my body, but then sometimes push through because I know I’ll feel better after I soak in the sun / walk around / go to the studio / have a human interaction.
I did get to go to the Hatchie River with one of my best friends/ stained glass teacher and collaborator. I collected pigments to make paint out of and he foraged for mushrooms. I’m drawn to the water in ways that feel unnameable.
It was a sunny but windy day. I’m glad I didn’t lose my “Rural and Proud” hat!
FEBRUARY MUSES
Jean Genet documentary free on youtube. His interviews are FASCINATING, he rarely complies with the interviewers haha, and wants to ask questions back to them. Watch it Here :) the picture above is his with the question, “ have you always felt apart?”
PAINTING THE INVISIBLE documentary following Jill Steenhuis’ life on an olive grove in France, her daily / weekly rituals, and her home which seems to slow time down. Gorgeous filmwork by her son, feels intimate and warm.
okay, last documentary!!! you can see what i’ve been crocheting to haha :) this one is Georgia O’Keefe By Myself Allen Charlton. I learned a lot about O’Keefe, someone I’ve always been drawn to not only for her work but the contradictory stories I’ve heard about her. This is another that feels quite intimate and spans many years of her life.
one of my best friends ever visited me from Philadelphia. it had been two years since I visited them up there. they did the most thoughtful tarot / symbol deck pull for me which led to a lot of self reflection on my part. I love them.
both reading and videos (films, documentaries, interviews) are huge parts of my practice. I bought this one at The Bookshop in Nashville (my favorite!!!!). I tried to pick one I hadn’t heard of before but that caught my eye and WOW it was meant for me in this moment. I could say more, but I’ll leave that to myself.
Attended a collage party hosted at The Nine Oh Six here in Jackson, TN by CrackerJack Vintage Co. (her instagram here). It brought back nostalgic memories of some collages I made in high school. SO MUCH FUN!!
When another local artist asked to use my painting during his spoken word poetry night, I teared up! I didn’t know that my shooting performance had prompted him to write a poem. And then, as art does, his poetry inspired me and others to go forward and make more art. It was wonderful to witness. Thank you, Ontoni.
here’s to another month! thanks for tagging along, as always :)
Thank you for sharing. I cannot wait to watch the documentaries you shared. Also, sounds like you have a good therapist. And if you ever need to reach out and don’t know who or where, I am here.