August 21st

birthday blues

Growing up, I was under the impression that to form traditions, you needed to be part of a family or create your own family first. Every example I can remember involved growing up with a specific family tradition or getting married/moving out/having kids and coming up with something new.

I don’t remember examples of people sharing their own solo traditions or rituals. I’m sure people had them, whether they were private or not recognized as a ritual.

Mostly born out of necessity was my ability to sit with my own presence without distraction or judgement. I began wondering … what do I want to do? All of my pre planned traditions involved having a partner or having children, and now suddenly I am 26.

Two years ago, I had just moved out into the country with my best friend. We had a big house we were renting from friends with the garage as our studio. My first birthday there, I decided to use this cobalt blue pigment I had been saving for a special occasion. It turned into a very quick painting, I finished within a couple hours, and had decided this blue would be my birthday blue.

The next year, I was still in that house but planning my move. My friend was moving away and I didn’t want to live so far out alone. Plus, gas prices were kind of kicking my butt. By that point, I was renting a studio in downtown Jackson though, and had my special blue waiting for me.

Year 2 with my birthday blue! (my 25th birthday)

I have since painted over this layer. I was in a wave of deep depression and the motion of my arm painting alone felt exhausting. I told myself: you can make a line, you can always make a line. I have a little post it note in my studio that says that now.

I took off the pressure for it to look like a completed piece. I knew I wanted to show up for myself in that way, though, and the tradition went on. After I painted, I applied the blue paint all over my face and chest and then bathed it off. Baptism.

AND NOW TO TODAY

I am living alone in an apartment that I love dearly. I am moving studios this month but was able to move enough things so that I am now painting out of my new one, which is back out in the country.

Before I was living out in the country with my studio in the city.

Now my apartment will be in the city with my studio on a friend’s farm. I am thrilled.

I am thankful this tradition has lasted. I look forward to it each birthday. Today I painted with the pigment on top of an older painting that I shot as a part of a performance piece this past year.

Adding another layer is like adding another year. Nothing is lost, only added.

How much can a painting hold?

I’ll be sharing the finished painting soon - I am planning a photo shoot around it first. But you know: it will be blue.